Leaving Bang Muang

I had agreed with Anurak to stay in Bang Muang for one or two months. When I arrived there initially I expected that within 4 weeks I would be back with the children in Pattalung. However after the first month I prayed and I just felt it was right to stay another month. I hoped that by the 1st June 2005 I would have an idea about whether to stay or move onto something else.

Although I was quite happy I had this constant nagging to always be looking ahead to the next corner that I could never be quite content to enjoy the moment, but always looking to see what was next. I think this can sometimes be a strength but sometimes it can really rob me of enjoying the moment. I always seem to be assuming that where I am is just the stepping stone to the real destination ... but then get the same feeling in the next place. So while I was working and serving I always seemed to be looking for something else and something additional to do. I felt very task driven. I think coming from working in London to a culture with such a laid back Sabai Sabai approach, I was kind've trying to run ahead of myself all the time. I felt like I was on a treadmill and that I kept running off the end trying to run faster than the speed it was moving.

I became quite anxious to know what I was really meant to be doing. I kept getting a nagging feeling that I should be teaching. I had felt so strongly back home that doing a TESOL course was something God had really put on my heart. I felt like I should be doing it to make use of it. But any opportunity to teach made me want to run a mile. it had been almost a year since I passed the course.

Some of the YWAM team moved out to work in a different village so the opportunity came up to teach some of the children in the camp next door. i kept coming across people who were just teaching English as a pass time really. Just getting involved where they could, not trained... just willing.

every time I met someone like this it irritated me. I couldn't get rid of this dualism in me... self-righteously thinking they must be doing it wrong, but at the opportunity of doing it myself I just couldn't take the jump.

I became so annoyed with myself. And I felt I so strongly wanted to at least say that I had taught to somehow validate the 3 month course I'd done and the fact that I had came out to Thailand. I felt this awful feeling of inadequacy and failure.

So when the opportunity came up I took over from the 2 guys who were teaching a group of kids during the school holidays. Suddenly I spend everyday consumed with trying to think of what to teach. I sat in the tent irritated by all the people making a noise. I tried to make clocks and activities for learning despite my poor drawing skills. I went to sleep feeling sick. Woke up hoping the lesson might be cancelled.

During the time of year (April / May) there's a lot of public holidays. So when I'd turn up, having spent all evening planning material and ideas, to see the metal door closed and no children, I'd feel an enormous feeling of relief wash over me.

It reminded me of when I used a dread a test and I'd arrive at the lesson and the teacher had forgotten. Or when the fire drill would go just before a lesson you dread.

I persevered with the kids for a while. But there was one long weekend which co-incided with my trip to Phuket which I talked about in an earlier post (don't tell me you skipped it ! My blog is long but it's not War and Peace yet). Anyway when I got back with a big blister on my lip and feeling totally crushed from my experience there i just couldn't face going back to teach. These were little kids ages 5-9. And I was just too intimidated. I had such high expectations of myself. And I just felt ill everytime I thought about going back there. For a few weeks I felt like such a wimp. But i felt so relieved that I wasn't going there anymore.

I was puzzled because ... well I had stressed in my course, I had stayed up late worrying, but I really enjoyed it. I think a part of me... although at the time of the course, I hadn't any immediate plans to go abroad. In fact I had pretty much decided I'd had enough of travelling alone. But my passion and desire to be out there somewhere serving God was growing. And i think I kind've saw this teaching qualification as a ticket to be useful somewhere. So that I could say to people, I'm going and i'm going to teach. So that they didn't doubt my intentions.

I feel there was a part of that in me, that somehow I had to prove myself. But there was also something in me that has always been strongly drawn to teaching. I can see myself doing it well and liking it. But the image in my head and the reality just didn't match up. And at that time I wasn't about to start looking for the missing link.

Anyway - as time drew closer towards June I was getting anxious. I had been meeting with the monks but i was kind've beginning to feel that I wasn't really saying much there anymore. There was a guy there who was a monk for a while but stopped being a monk. I was a bit intrigued as to how people could go in and out of the monkhood. One minute they couldn't drink, eat after 12, touch or sit alone with a women ... plus the other 224 rules... and the next day they could do what they liked. I was intrigued by this man who I had seen a few weeks before outside my tent giving little bracelets to kids. But here he was dressed normally.

I inquired after him and found out that some people will enter the monkhood for a period to help them through a particularly hard time. He had lost his wife and 2 year old son in the Tsunami. His son had been taken from his arms. When I heard this I just felt so helpless.

I spent a little bit of time talking to him either by drawing little pictures of stickmen, trying to speak thai or pointing to things in my phrase book. And he did the same. I was telling him about my faith. Sometimes I would sit there and learn some thai and each day I would just pray for him that God would comfort him and heal him from the terrible things that had happened. I could communicate very little but I just became so overwhelmed with compassion and general emotion etc etc that I began to develop a little attachment of some sort.

Anyway - this became a bit of a distraction for me. As I was prayer walking in the camp I suddenly felt embarrassed about what I was doing. I realized I was looking forward more and more to sitting and chatting each day than praying and spending time with others, and I became aware that my heart was torn.

I was aware of my weakness. I knew the situations I had been in before in the past. And the lessons I had learnt. I had wanted to set myself apart for God.... but in the past when these temptations came I just drifted towards them.... Ok not helplessly. I chose them over God. But here I was torn.

I knew my heart had changed. I knew that I wanted God to be the "One Thing" in my life. But here was something that was grabbing my attention. And I knew it was grabbing my attention in a way that was taking my eyes off God and on to something else.... rather than being something that was bringing me nearer to God.

Where in the past I would have just got into a "why can't I have what I want...." tantrum and I would have compromised my promises and my commitment to God. But here I knew where my heart was focus. In was focused on God. But I just wanted to fit this in to the picture and make it possible. In reality it was an impossible situation. Different culture, religion, language.... oh and just finished being a monk, to name but a few fundamental differences.

Looking back I felt so trapped. The Thai people I was staying with in the camp were noticing my distraction. Luckily at this time Pastor Samruam's wife, Gai had started staying at the tent. She spoke enough English for me to talk to her... and I took the opportunity to talk to them. They had previously been Buddhist but I was still really trying to understand a lot about Buddhism... I still don't really understand it. But they were really good to me. They warned me of various things and each night they prayed for me. They told me to stop having lunch over there and really to just stay away. So I did... but then he started coming to find me.

There were a couple of significant things going on at this time. I had been reading a book given to me by my pastor in England called "One Thing" by Sam Storms. This was a timely gift which confirmed some of the things I had been praying about in my personal walk with God. My pastor's prayer also was that God would become the One Thing in my life. This book was amazing. In reading it, and being surrounded by the mountains, sea, in the middle of a disaster zone yet seeing God moving so much amongst an unreached people I was just blown away by the revelations God bought to me through this book. I remember coming back from a fishing trip late one evening. The sky was pitch black and I sat in the boat looking at the millions of stars in the sky. And seeing in my mind the beauty of God's creation around me. I remember thinking... there is so much more to this universe that we haven't yet discovered. Yet there it is... for God's glory. The top of that mountain which no one ever visits is covered in trees, plants, insects... that we may never see. But it's there reflecting the glory of God. I just felt God say to me as I looked into the sky that he gives us so much more than we even need... because he loves us. If only we really knew and accepted that love to be able to freely receive what he has given. He knows our needs... I'm not talking materials... I'm talking about the deeper needs than manifest themselves in us seeking after temporary fixes because we just can't see that God has the answer. So we try to fix ourselves and fulfill ourselves.

Anyway... I was reading in this book about Ulysees and the Sirens. And how when people heard the music of the Sirens they were lured into a trap never to return again. Ulysees was so intrigued to here just how 'good' this was but was aware of his weakness. So he had his men tie him to a post so that he couldn't give into the temptation. He heard the singing and he was tempted like never before. I tried everything to free himself from the ropes. But it was only that which saved him. Jason... came along later and had the same idea. But he didn't tie himself up. He just hired a musician who played music which he loved so much that he was convinced that nothing could distract him from that which he loved the most. And he was successful.

This was really challenging to me. And knowing from where I had come before and how easily distracted I was I really wanted God to by that thing that I loved so much that nothing would turn me away from that which I wanted my life to be rooted and established in.

The other significant thing was that I had been praying that I would know when it was time to move on. The fleece I laid out at this time, because I didn't want to stop the prayer walking or just leave something incomplete... and there seemed so much more to do. So I asked God on this particular day at the end of May that if it was his will for me to move on to something else or return to Pattalung then he would bring along new prayer walkers. Now I had companions on 3 days during my time there: one was a girl who game with me to pray for people and translate, the other was the team I mentioned earlier, and the 3rd was the dog. So I was really thinking I was staying there indefinitely.

As I finished the 7th lap of the camp that day - forcing myself to keep walking past rather than talking to a certain person... I walked past 2 girls. I said hello to them. They had just arrived but interestingly they told me they were prayer walking. Again, I was stunned at the swift answer to my prayer.

In fact I was so stunned i didn't quite believe it.

The old YWAM team had gone and a new one had come. This team felt really called to prayer walk that day and would continue it for the month they were there. Well I was thinking in my usually way of looking 16 years ahead... "what happens after that month? who will do it then?"

I couldn't think of anything else I should be doing (despite my infrequent outings yet frequent hints from Jo at Step Ahead that she really needed a teacher). So I decided i would stay a bit longer to see what happened.

So I had my answer to prayer. But I ignored it. At the same time this whole other situation was just beginning.

The YWAM team who had been really supporting me in prayer had moved on and I was in a battlefield trying to slog it out by myself and I wasn't doing well.

So I was in a bit of a state. I was aware of what God was speaking to me about but I was stuck in one place and I couldn't seem to budge myself. One day I felt so overwhelmed. I went for a jog to a beach about 6 km away. I felt so ill it was hard to run. I got there and tried to do some sprints to take my mind off things but I ended up just sitting on the floor in defeat. I cried out to God. I was hurting so much. I don't even know why. It seemed so adolescent to be feeling like I did about someone I hardly knew. But I just admitted my feelings to God. I admitted that I wasn't willing to chose him even then and that i wanted to but I just couldn't do it by myself. I needed God to help steer me back to him.

I decided that for that weekend I would go to Khao Lak to see Jo and get a bit of space for the weekend. As I was making the decision I could already detect my brain trying to find a way of having the best of both worlds. So I began planning to spend the day at the camp and go to Khao Lak in the evening (what were the chances of me ever getting there?). I caught myself as I was thinking there and in a rush and pushing aside my frustration I just prayed that if this was really a situation God wanted me out of then he would get me to Khao lak unless it was by his intervention that I stayed. I felt so stubborn and ill that I just obstinately said to God... please just do something because I can't (or don't want to).

I got back to the tent and as I was washing I was thinking I would call my friend Mary who had just finished serving in the Tsunami region and moved to Bangkok to work. I knew I needed my friends around me and I knew she would pray for me. As I came out the bathroom to find my phone I looked at the entrance to the tent and who should I see standing there but Mary! Well she had moved to Bangkok so I thought I was dreaming.

She explained that she had some unexpected business and that she wanted to see how I was.

"oh i'm fine I told her."

She gave me one of those Mary looks and said "come on Jo. You know I'm not supposed to be here. What's wrong."

So I admitted I wasn't fine at all and that I was just really struggling with some things and I felt really uncertain about where to go and what to do. Just then I became aware that a woman was standing with her and I suddenly felt really embarrassed that I hadn't acknowledged her. Mary introduced her as Vickie who was one of the missionary support counselors who worked at a place in Khao Lak called The Well. (It's a chill out centre / counseling place for workers). Vicky was just there for a short window of time but had taken the opportunity to see the camp.

Mary asked me to come to Khao Lak with them . I ummed and ahhed. I was so stubborn. I had just prayed that God would get me out of there. Here comes Mary appearing out of nowhere when she's meant to be in Bangkok and still i'm resisting God's provision.

Vicky looked at me and just said that she felt that my heart was torn. She continued to remind me, knowing nothing about me, that when we are faced with temptation the bible tells us to flee from it, because we are rarely able to keep from it the closer we get to it and the more we contemplate it.

My mouth dropped open and I began to wonder whether I had a big sign attached to my head telling everyone that i was struggling with temptation. Mary just smiled and said, "pack your things."

I felt so terrible to the people in the tent. But I felt so broken I just knew I needed to go for a few days. So I packed some things and I went to Khao Lak.

God had got me there...