God moments

Psalm 97

The Lord reigns, let the earth be glad; let the distant shores rejoice.
Clouds and thick darkness surround him;

Righteouness and justice are the foundation of his throne. Fire goes before him and consumes his foes on every side.

His lightening lights up the world;

the earth sees and trembles.

The mountains melt like wax before the Lord, beofre the Lord of all the earth the heavens proclaim his righteousness.

And all the peoples see His Glory.

I felt God gave me this picture the other day when I was praying... and I have spent all week trying to recreate the picture I saw but I haven't had much success in getting it onto my blog. I really felt God put Psalm 97 on my heart as I was praying for Thailand. As I prayed the verse I began to see a picture of the globe and the words of the first half of Psalm 97 written over it. Then around the globe I saw pictures of Phang Nga - where I live in Thailand. So I spent ages trying to recreate it! But then the file was too big to upload. Or like the one above - too small to be able to see properly. So the Psalm is written out in full above instead.

My prayer is that God will open the floodgates of heaven and let his glory reign here in Phang Nga. That he will continue to heal the land and bring waves of blessing to this area. My prayer for Phang Nga often echoes the words in the Martin Smith song: Over the Mountains and the Sea. I believe that one day that will be the song on the lips of the people here - that they will sing of the day when they opened their hearts to God's love and were set free.

Over the Mountains and the Sea

Your river runs with Love for me

And I will open up my heart

And let the healer set me free.

I'm happy to be in the truth

And I will daily lift my hands

For I will always sing of when your love came down.

I will sing of your love forever.

I will sing of your love forever.

Oh I feel like dancing

it's foolishness I know

But when the world has seen the light

There'll be dancing then like we're dancing now.

I will sing of your love forever.

Living in Bang Muang also came with some challenges - most things do.

Food was one challenge that, looking back on it now, it seems a ridiculous grumble. Rice and fried fish for breakfast. Rice and fish with some clear vegetable soup for lunch. Rice for dinner with ...well fish of course, and sour spicy fish curry, sometimes green curry (which was always a treat). Some of the things that came out of the ocean and ended up on our plates... well I can't tell you what they were and neither could the people I was living with. I can distinctly remember times where I popped something suspicious looking and slimy in my mouth and swallowed it in one go. I new that as soon as my mouth felt the texture of it and my saliva glands detected the taste ... the mouthful was defnitely more likely to end up on the floor then in my stomach.

To begin with the eating experience was all part of the excitment of being imersed in a new culture and a new way of living. I loved the fact that I was thrown right in the deep end. Whenever I had travelled before I had only really touched the edges of these small villages and I had longed to have the opportunity to be part of one and to really be part of their way of life and the culture. However when I saw the tasty thai food the YWAM team were being served for lunch every day I began to feel a little bit sorry for myself. And eating rice 3 times a day was beginning to take it's toll.

The Thai's are so hospitable and eager to please when I decided to just by some bread for breakfast, just for a change, I was lavished with gifts of bread, jam, honey, and omlets. And it was so hard to say no.
There's a particular thai desert that I used to really like; Khao Neaw Mangmuang (sticky rice with Mango). One day the ladies in the tent saw me eating some ... from then on they bought me 2 or 3 packs of it a day. It's probably the most fattening thing you could possibly eat out here ! I had to put a ban on myself eating it cos it was just getting out of hand. I came up with a plan that I was only allowed to eat it if it was friday and if someone gave it to me ! The following friday i was invited to have lunch with the monks in the camp and what did they offer me? Yes... Khao Neaw MangMuang. After I had it they told me I'll only get fat if I eat that (even though they were the ones who gave it to me. So after that friday I just stopped eating it altogether. Now I can't stand the stuff !

One of the other challenges at the camp was the mosquitos. I was prayer walking each day and the rainy season had started to get underway. It was still boiling hot but it would chuck it down at about 4pm every day so there were lots of big muddy puddles in the camp. As a combination of some particularly itchy bites on my legs and feet and the germs in the puddles and probably the water in the camp... the bites began to get infected. My foot got so swollen. I was feeling tired and run down and eventually had to go to the hospital for some medication.
People I'd met passing through the camp or living in the camp kept telling me to make sure I took time out about once a week. I didn't really feel I was doing a lot in the camp so I didn't take time off as such. I would go off for an hour here and there to cycle and I jogged at 7am everyday. But i couldn't understand why I was so tired out and run down. It wasn't until you went away from the area and returned that you realised how heavy the atmosphere was there.
On a day today basis people smiled and laughed and got on with life. I would say it's the Thai way to just bounce back from something saying "Mai pen rai" (nevermind) and smile and carry on. It's the only place I've been where you can see someone drive a motor bike into the side of someone's car and leave a dent, and the car driver will just say"Mai pen rai". Inside he'll be thinking " You #$%#^@@ @$@!$!." The face on the surface doesn't show what is actually going on inside.... having said it's the Thai way - I think many of us do it. However the spitiual and emotional heaviness in the place was so evident. But living there everyday you just become accustomed to it. It was exhausting but you just didn't realise what was making you tired.

After about a month I was taken to Phuket for the weekend. There was a bit of concern for my well being and having not had a break I went away for a weekend. Just the day before I had been introduced to 2 pastors; one Thai and one American. The thai pastor had overheard some people talking about me and what I was doing in the camp. He had asked the people to introduce me to him. So I had a meal with the 2 pastors and they asked me to share my testimony with them. Afterwards they prayed for me. First the Thai pastor shook my hand and left a 1000 baht note in my hand. He said "this isn't for your work - this is for you to treat yourself. Look after yourself." Then the other pastor shook my hand and left another note in my hand.... this time "$100" and said almost the identical thing to me. So the timing of the gifts and the opportunity for a weekend away came together nicely.

I was dropped off in Patong...or, as one of my friends calls it, the "Sodom and Gomorrah" of South East Asia.
It was a shock to the system to say the least. Compared to what it's like now and to what it was before the Tsunami I had picked the perfect time to see Patong really (short of getting in a time machine and travelling back 25 years). It was pretty quiet when i was there. But I was surprised to see how quickly it had bounced back after the Tsunami. The red light district was in full swing and there was a new DVD on the markets: The Tsunami DVD; a compilation of video camera footage from the events on 26th December 2004.
This time when I was invited into Tailor shops, it wasn't to have a dress made, it was do be shown a graphic photo album of the destruction caused by the wave and dead bodies lying in the streets.

I found it so sad to see an obvious need for these to process and deal with what had happened. And I felt so angry at the number of people, well Westerners, who were right back there for the sex industry. Some people would just laugh about the Tsunami with a "Yeah it was bad, but my house was alright." Or just indifference to it.

I don't know.... I felt like I had been living in a bit of a bubble in the camp and then I found myself in the middle of this .... and I came a little bit unstuck to be honest. I couldn't relax at all. I felt pretty vulnerable and ...well... there were one or two tricky situations that I wasn't really prepared to deal with. In some ways they showed me how far I had come one from the person I was. It also revealed to me where my weakness still were. I think getting some time out was a good idea. I think going away on my own with my heart being in the state of trying and wanting to fix everything and everyone, was a bad idea! It really came back to the same question I asked myself before I left England.... "how far am I willing to let God be number one in my life." I think at the first idea of this question I thought there was just a few things I needed to surrender. But it seemed layer by layer I was realising all the things I was trying to do by myself. And all the things I was still holding on to for myself.

That day I had prayed from Pslam 139: "Lord search me and know my heart. Test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me and lead my in the way everlasting"

Well I said that prayer - later I had to ask myself whether I really meant it ! I was beginning to learn that it was not just about giving the 10 minutes of the day to God when I'm praying and then doing what I like for the rest of it. But inviting God into every part of my day, every decision that I make and not letting my guard down.

I began to see the importance of the team i was in at the camp and the support and accountability I had there. Even though I had come out to Thailand on my own... wanting to do things on my own... I began to realise how much I needed and wanted people around me. And God knew that better than I did. In every part of my time here he lead me into a team. Part of the surrender I was learning was also acknowledging that God knew what I needed better than I did.

When I came back to the camp I was a bit over emotional. During my time in Phuket I had blistered my lip which has also become infected along with the mosquito bites. Anyway - It was good to be back at the camp. And it was strange how when I was in Phuket the home that I missed was my home in the camp. The bed that I thought about was my space on the floor. It was such a gift from god that he gave me the grace not only to live there, but that during the time I was there, that's really where my heart was.

Interlude

Walking the Camp

Being the only English speaking person working with Phantasanja, at the time, my main job to was to communicate to non-Thai visitors how the foundation served the community in the wake of the Tsunami. At that time it was one of the only foundations helping babies under 3 years old and it was important to communicate to those with a specific desire to help babies; how they could help and how their donation would be used. I went out with Aot and Samruam to deliver milk powder, mosquito nets, nappies, talc and numerous other mother and babycare goods to mothers in the camp and also to surrounding villages and camps. At the time there were a lot of people visiting, bring money to donate, or babycare donations and it all needed to be directed to the right places. I was going through a particularly task driven stage at the time so it was good to be doing something useful and keeping busy ! But I was also feeling quite useless that I couldn't really communicate with the Thai people I was living amongst. I went to bed most nights praying that I would wake up in the morning with a miraculous God given ability to speak Thai ! Well ok... at least that I would learn enough to survive. The Mother and child centre was a day care centre. So Mothers brought their children during the day and spend time making keyrings and later jewellery to sell to tourists to earn some pocket money. By night the same floor space was where we would sleep under our Mosquito nets.

It was an exciting time. We were also working to support some local fishermen to get their fishing businesses back and maintaining a relationship to support them at what must have been a terrifying prospect at going back out to spend hours sitting on the peaceful ocean that just a few months before had wiped out their village and half the people in it. I went out fishing a few times and my proudest moment besides finally being able to actually touch the bate.... was catching my very own fish !

One day I was walking on the track which ran all the way around the camp. I was praying and asking God what I could give to these people. I felt that I had nothing. And the truth is I had nothing to give. A bit of money might feed them for a day but what could possibly fill the sorrow and the loss that each one of these people had suffered.

Having arrived in this area and seen the devastation caused be the wave I had realised just how little I had grasped from watching the TV on December 26th 2004. I could have spend a whole year trying to imagine exactly what might have happened and still I would have been no where near the extent of what did happen. Here I was in the camp. Here I could see the devastation and it's effects. Yet still I had no idea EXACTLY what these people had lived through and survived. I couldn't even speak to the people.

As I walked and prayed I kept asking God, show how I can love these people and serve them in the best way I can.
Just then I just felt a strong impression that God was telling me to pray for them, to intercede for them and to persist in prayer for them.

The bible tells us to pray without ceasing. And to love them through prayer seemed like the right thing to do. I began to wonder how I would do this. And as I prayed and walked I thought... I will walk around the camp each day and pray.

So that's what I did. 7 times a day I walked around the camp and I cried out to God to heal, to bless, to protect, to love and to provide for the people. I didn't really set out with an agenda each day, but I would start from the Phantasanja and ask God to bless that ministry and provide for the immediate and urgent needs there for serving the children. And I would go out from there each day and pray for divine opportunities to show God's love to people. To begin with I didn't feel to successful. Everytime I looked for an opportunity to help someone they would end up giving something to me. I would come back to the tent with armfuls or vegetables, fruit. Every time I stopped to say hello to someone I was invited in for a drink or food.... and how can you say "no" ?.... well aside form the initial "glen jai" no.

Sometimes I would walk and read from my bible scriptures and Psalms that were on my heart for the people. Sometimes I would just be broken and I'd have to keep stopping around the back of the camp for a cry. Other times I would worship God and sing. I tried to keep this to the back part of the camp where there weren't any people... but sometimes I'd forget myself and realise I was walking through the busy part and I was still singing ! Man, I can still blush about that now when I think about it. Anyway - they already thought I was a crazy farrang for walking around in circles for 7 times each day. I managed to learn the Thai to tell people I was praying for them every time I was asked "Pai Nai?" ("where are you going"). My reward would always be an Iced Coffee with the YWAM team at Walli's place. (Practically it was a cafe / restaurant, although it was actually just a couple of wooden benches with a little cooking area). It was good.

The YWAM team were brilliant. They were on placement there during their discipleship training course and their time at the camp actually ran in sync with mine. It was just amazing to have them there to pray with and relax with. And we were able to really support each other through the work we were doing at the camp and around the area. They also gave me an opportunity to have my first proper shower in what seemed like ages ! I will be forever grateful for that.