Finding my Feet

The weekend I arrived at The Well in Khao Lak I was shattered. I spent a lot of time sleeping, crying and eating chocolate brownies. I spent some time debriefing and a lot of time praying. I had been thinking of the passage in Matthew 11: 28 -30

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

The thought had been buzzing around my head but I didn't really have the energy to do anything with it. But the next day Vickie gave me a sheet which was a guided meditation on a bible verse which you worked through in sections with various questions to think over and process. The verse was the same one!

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

Once again God was so faithful. I felt that I'd totally messed up - and I can't say it was the best state I've been in. Yet God bought his word to me basically telling me he knew how I was feeling, he understood and he was asking me to give it to Him. All I could do was obey. I was blown away once again by the love of God and his grace and provision.

Before I had barely recovered I had already begun panicking about what I was going to do next. My task driveness was in mode and I didn't want to be sitting around doing nothing. Jo and Helen (aka Mozza, who has joined forces with Jo at Step Ahead) came up to visit me and were encouraging me to join them at Step Ahead. They had been praying specifically for a 3rd person to complete their team to run the teaching centre.

I really wanted to go back to Pattalung to see the children but I felt torn between wanting to belong there and wanting to build some good friendships and here were 2 girls inviting me to come and live and work with them.

I think in the end I had to weigh up the fact that at this time if I went to Pattalung I would be more isolated but at Step Ahead I would be making new friends and working in a team with other Christians who I could be accountable to. I think I began to see the importance and value of team work. But I couldn't get away from this strong resistance I was feeling towards teaching, and also to living with other girls!

I don't know what it was... I guess over the years my life style, thoughts and habits had all accumulated to building a certain mindset that I was having to renew. I had begun to see girls as a further threat to myself esteem and I just felt like I wanted to retreat by myself where I didn't have to face how sorry I felt for myself.

I really had to try to see this through God's eyes and not with my warped persepctive. I began to think about the way God had answered so many prayers. One of them being for him to provide a friend who I had something in common with. When I met Jo I had a certain feeling that there was more significance to that meeting than just a few random days out. Mozza and Jo were also both really in to sports (being sports teachers in the UK) which was another thing we had in common. Over the next days they called me, visited me and we went jogging together. I just felt that this was one of those anxieties that I needed to face rather than walk away from.

My heart was still so much with Phantasanja but things had began to quiten down in the camp; fewer tourists were coming through the area because the low season had started. And I knew that one of the most effective things I could do for Phantasanja was to pray for them and to comunicate with the outside world about them. And that I could do whilst living in Khao Lak.

So, probably a little prematurely but feeling slightly wary of the quantity of chocolate brownies i was consuming at The Well, I moved to Step Ahead.

But there was no way I was going to be roped into teaching English! I just assumed it was the stepping stone... the resting place to the next thing ! That thing I was called to do... whatever that may be.