Finding my Feet

The weekend I arrived at The Well in Khao Lak I was shattered. I spent a lot of time sleeping, crying and eating chocolate brownies. I spent some time debriefing and a lot of time praying. I had been thinking of the passage in Matthew 11: 28 -30

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

The thought had been buzzing around my head but I didn't really have the energy to do anything with it. But the next day Vickie gave me a sheet which was a guided meditation on a bible verse which you worked through in sections with various questions to think over and process. The verse was the same one!

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

Once again God was so faithful. I felt that I'd totally messed up - and I can't say it was the best state I've been in. Yet God bought his word to me basically telling me he knew how I was feeling, he understood and he was asking me to give it to Him. All I could do was obey. I was blown away once again by the love of God and his grace and provision.

Before I had barely recovered I had already begun panicking about what I was going to do next. My task driveness was in mode and I didn't want to be sitting around doing nothing. Jo and Helen (aka Mozza, who has joined forces with Jo at Step Ahead) came up to visit me and were encouraging me to join them at Step Ahead. They had been praying specifically for a 3rd person to complete their team to run the teaching centre.

I really wanted to go back to Pattalung to see the children but I felt torn between wanting to belong there and wanting to build some good friendships and here were 2 girls inviting me to come and live and work with them.

I think in the end I had to weigh up the fact that at this time if I went to Pattalung I would be more isolated but at Step Ahead I would be making new friends and working in a team with other Christians who I could be accountable to. I think I began to see the importance and value of team work. But I couldn't get away from this strong resistance I was feeling towards teaching, and also to living with other girls!

I don't know what it was... I guess over the years my life style, thoughts and habits had all accumulated to building a certain mindset that I was having to renew. I had begun to see girls as a further threat to myself esteem and I just felt like I wanted to retreat by myself where I didn't have to face how sorry I felt for myself.

I really had to try to see this through God's eyes and not with my warped persepctive. I began to think about the way God had answered so many prayers. One of them being for him to provide a friend who I had something in common with. When I met Jo I had a certain feeling that there was more significance to that meeting than just a few random days out. Mozza and Jo were also both really in to sports (being sports teachers in the UK) which was another thing we had in common. Over the next days they called me, visited me and we went jogging together. I just felt that this was one of those anxieties that I needed to face rather than walk away from.

My heart was still so much with Phantasanja but things had began to quiten down in the camp; fewer tourists were coming through the area because the low season had started. And I knew that one of the most effective things I could do for Phantasanja was to pray for them and to comunicate with the outside world about them. And that I could do whilst living in Khao Lak.

So, probably a little prematurely but feeling slightly wary of the quantity of chocolate brownies i was consuming at The Well, I moved to Step Ahead.

But there was no way I was going to be roped into teaching English! I just assumed it was the stepping stone... the resting place to the next thing ! That thing I was called to do... whatever that may be.

Leaving Bang Muang

I had agreed with Anurak to stay in Bang Muang for one or two months. When I arrived there initially I expected that within 4 weeks I would be back with the children in Pattalung. However after the first month I prayed and I just felt it was right to stay another month. I hoped that by the 1st June 2005 I would have an idea about whether to stay or move onto something else.

Although I was quite happy I had this constant nagging to always be looking ahead to the next corner that I could never be quite content to enjoy the moment, but always looking to see what was next. I think this can sometimes be a strength but sometimes it can really rob me of enjoying the moment. I always seem to be assuming that where I am is just the stepping stone to the real destination ... but then get the same feeling in the next place. So while I was working and serving I always seemed to be looking for something else and something additional to do. I felt very task driven. I think coming from working in London to a culture with such a laid back Sabai Sabai approach, I was kind've trying to run ahead of myself all the time. I felt like I was on a treadmill and that I kept running off the end trying to run faster than the speed it was moving.

I became quite anxious to know what I was really meant to be doing. I kept getting a nagging feeling that I should be teaching. I had felt so strongly back home that doing a TESOL course was something God had really put on my heart. I felt like I should be doing it to make use of it. But any opportunity to teach made me want to run a mile. it had been almost a year since I passed the course.

Some of the YWAM team moved out to work in a different village so the opportunity came up to teach some of the children in the camp next door. i kept coming across people who were just teaching English as a pass time really. Just getting involved where they could, not trained... just willing.

every time I met someone like this it irritated me. I couldn't get rid of this dualism in me... self-righteously thinking they must be doing it wrong, but at the opportunity of doing it myself I just couldn't take the jump.

I became so annoyed with myself. And I felt I so strongly wanted to at least say that I had taught to somehow validate the 3 month course I'd done and the fact that I had came out to Thailand. I felt this awful feeling of inadequacy and failure.

So when the opportunity came up I took over from the 2 guys who were teaching a group of kids during the school holidays. Suddenly I spend everyday consumed with trying to think of what to teach. I sat in the tent irritated by all the people making a noise. I tried to make clocks and activities for learning despite my poor drawing skills. I went to sleep feeling sick. Woke up hoping the lesson might be cancelled.

During the time of year (April / May) there's a lot of public holidays. So when I'd turn up, having spent all evening planning material and ideas, to see the metal door closed and no children, I'd feel an enormous feeling of relief wash over me.

It reminded me of when I used a dread a test and I'd arrive at the lesson and the teacher had forgotten. Or when the fire drill would go just before a lesson you dread.

I persevered with the kids for a while. But there was one long weekend which co-incided with my trip to Phuket which I talked about in an earlier post (don't tell me you skipped it ! My blog is long but it's not War and Peace yet). Anyway when I got back with a big blister on my lip and feeling totally crushed from my experience there i just couldn't face going back to teach. These were little kids ages 5-9. And I was just too intimidated. I had such high expectations of myself. And I just felt ill everytime I thought about going back there. For a few weeks I felt like such a wimp. But i felt so relieved that I wasn't going there anymore.

I was puzzled because ... well I had stressed in my course, I had stayed up late worrying, but I really enjoyed it. I think a part of me... although at the time of the course, I hadn't any immediate plans to go abroad. In fact I had pretty much decided I'd had enough of travelling alone. But my passion and desire to be out there somewhere serving God was growing. And i think I kind've saw this teaching qualification as a ticket to be useful somewhere. So that I could say to people, I'm going and i'm going to teach. So that they didn't doubt my intentions.

I feel there was a part of that in me, that somehow I had to prove myself. But there was also something in me that has always been strongly drawn to teaching. I can see myself doing it well and liking it. But the image in my head and the reality just didn't match up. And at that time I wasn't about to start looking for the missing link.

Anyway - as time drew closer towards June I was getting anxious. I had been meeting with the monks but i was kind've beginning to feel that I wasn't really saying much there anymore. There was a guy there who was a monk for a while but stopped being a monk. I was a bit intrigued as to how people could go in and out of the monkhood. One minute they couldn't drink, eat after 12, touch or sit alone with a women ... plus the other 224 rules... and the next day they could do what they liked. I was intrigued by this man who I had seen a few weeks before outside my tent giving little bracelets to kids. But here he was dressed normally.

I inquired after him and found out that some people will enter the monkhood for a period to help them through a particularly hard time. He had lost his wife and 2 year old son in the Tsunami. His son had been taken from his arms. When I heard this I just felt so helpless.

I spent a little bit of time talking to him either by drawing little pictures of stickmen, trying to speak thai or pointing to things in my phrase book. And he did the same. I was telling him about my faith. Sometimes I would sit there and learn some thai and each day I would just pray for him that God would comfort him and heal him from the terrible things that had happened. I could communicate very little but I just became so overwhelmed with compassion and general emotion etc etc that I began to develop a little attachment of some sort.

Anyway - this became a bit of a distraction for me. As I was prayer walking in the camp I suddenly felt embarrassed about what I was doing. I realized I was looking forward more and more to sitting and chatting each day than praying and spending time with others, and I became aware that my heart was torn.

I was aware of my weakness. I knew the situations I had been in before in the past. And the lessons I had learnt. I had wanted to set myself apart for God.... but in the past when these temptations came I just drifted towards them.... Ok not helplessly. I chose them over God. But here I was torn.

I knew my heart had changed. I knew that I wanted God to be the "One Thing" in my life. But here was something that was grabbing my attention. And I knew it was grabbing my attention in a way that was taking my eyes off God and on to something else.... rather than being something that was bringing me nearer to God.

Where in the past I would have just got into a "why can't I have what I want...." tantrum and I would have compromised my promises and my commitment to God. But here I knew where my heart was focus. In was focused on God. But I just wanted to fit this in to the picture and make it possible. In reality it was an impossible situation. Different culture, religion, language.... oh and just finished being a monk, to name but a few fundamental differences.

Looking back I felt so trapped. The Thai people I was staying with in the camp were noticing my distraction. Luckily at this time Pastor Samruam's wife, Gai had started staying at the tent. She spoke enough English for me to talk to her... and I took the opportunity to talk to them. They had previously been Buddhist but I was still really trying to understand a lot about Buddhism... I still don't really understand it. But they were really good to me. They warned me of various things and each night they prayed for me. They told me to stop having lunch over there and really to just stay away. So I did... but then he started coming to find me.

There were a couple of significant things going on at this time. I had been reading a book given to me by my pastor in England called "One Thing" by Sam Storms. This was a timely gift which confirmed some of the things I had been praying about in my personal walk with God. My pastor's prayer also was that God would become the One Thing in my life. This book was amazing. In reading it, and being surrounded by the mountains, sea, in the middle of a disaster zone yet seeing God moving so much amongst an unreached people I was just blown away by the revelations God bought to me through this book. I remember coming back from a fishing trip late one evening. The sky was pitch black and I sat in the boat looking at the millions of stars in the sky. And seeing in my mind the beauty of God's creation around me. I remember thinking... there is so much more to this universe that we haven't yet discovered. Yet there it is... for God's glory. The top of that mountain which no one ever visits is covered in trees, plants, insects... that we may never see. But it's there reflecting the glory of God. I just felt God say to me as I looked into the sky that he gives us so much more than we even need... because he loves us. If only we really knew and accepted that love to be able to freely receive what he has given. He knows our needs... I'm not talking materials... I'm talking about the deeper needs than manifest themselves in us seeking after temporary fixes because we just can't see that God has the answer. So we try to fix ourselves and fulfill ourselves.

Anyway... I was reading in this book about Ulysees and the Sirens. And how when people heard the music of the Sirens they were lured into a trap never to return again. Ulysees was so intrigued to here just how 'good' this was but was aware of his weakness. So he had his men tie him to a post so that he couldn't give into the temptation. He heard the singing and he was tempted like never before. I tried everything to free himself from the ropes. But it was only that which saved him. Jason... came along later and had the same idea. But he didn't tie himself up. He just hired a musician who played music which he loved so much that he was convinced that nothing could distract him from that which he loved the most. And he was successful.

This was really challenging to me. And knowing from where I had come before and how easily distracted I was I really wanted God to by that thing that I loved so much that nothing would turn me away from that which I wanted my life to be rooted and established in.

The other significant thing was that I had been praying that I would know when it was time to move on. The fleece I laid out at this time, because I didn't want to stop the prayer walking or just leave something incomplete... and there seemed so much more to do. So I asked God on this particular day at the end of May that if it was his will for me to move on to something else or return to Pattalung then he would bring along new prayer walkers. Now I had companions on 3 days during my time there: one was a girl who game with me to pray for people and translate, the other was the team I mentioned earlier, and the 3rd was the dog. So I was really thinking I was staying there indefinitely.

As I finished the 7th lap of the camp that day - forcing myself to keep walking past rather than talking to a certain person... I walked past 2 girls. I said hello to them. They had just arrived but interestingly they told me they were prayer walking. Again, I was stunned at the swift answer to my prayer.

In fact I was so stunned i didn't quite believe it.

The old YWAM team had gone and a new one had come. This team felt really called to prayer walk that day and would continue it for the month they were there. Well I was thinking in my usually way of looking 16 years ahead... "what happens after that month? who will do it then?"

I couldn't think of anything else I should be doing (despite my infrequent outings yet frequent hints from Jo at Step Ahead that she really needed a teacher). So I decided i would stay a bit longer to see what happened.

So I had my answer to prayer. But I ignored it. At the same time this whole other situation was just beginning.

The YWAM team who had been really supporting me in prayer had moved on and I was in a battlefield trying to slog it out by myself and I wasn't doing well.

So I was in a bit of a state. I was aware of what God was speaking to me about but I was stuck in one place and I couldn't seem to budge myself. One day I felt so overwhelmed. I went for a jog to a beach about 6 km away. I felt so ill it was hard to run. I got there and tried to do some sprints to take my mind off things but I ended up just sitting on the floor in defeat. I cried out to God. I was hurting so much. I don't even know why. It seemed so adolescent to be feeling like I did about someone I hardly knew. But I just admitted my feelings to God. I admitted that I wasn't willing to chose him even then and that i wanted to but I just couldn't do it by myself. I needed God to help steer me back to him.

I decided that for that weekend I would go to Khao Lak to see Jo and get a bit of space for the weekend. As I was making the decision I could already detect my brain trying to find a way of having the best of both worlds. So I began planning to spend the day at the camp and go to Khao Lak in the evening (what were the chances of me ever getting there?). I caught myself as I was thinking there and in a rush and pushing aside my frustration I just prayed that if this was really a situation God wanted me out of then he would get me to Khao lak unless it was by his intervention that I stayed. I felt so stubborn and ill that I just obstinately said to God... please just do something because I can't (or don't want to).

I got back to the tent and as I was washing I was thinking I would call my friend Mary who had just finished serving in the Tsunami region and moved to Bangkok to work. I knew I needed my friends around me and I knew she would pray for me. As I came out the bathroom to find my phone I looked at the entrance to the tent and who should I see standing there but Mary! Well she had moved to Bangkok so I thought I was dreaming.

She explained that she had some unexpected business and that she wanted to see how I was.

"oh i'm fine I told her."

She gave me one of those Mary looks and said "come on Jo. You know I'm not supposed to be here. What's wrong."

So I admitted I wasn't fine at all and that I was just really struggling with some things and I felt really uncertain about where to go and what to do. Just then I became aware that a woman was standing with her and I suddenly felt really embarrassed that I hadn't acknowledged her. Mary introduced her as Vickie who was one of the missionary support counselors who worked at a place in Khao Lak called The Well. (It's a chill out centre / counseling place for workers). Vicky was just there for a short window of time but had taken the opportunity to see the camp.

Mary asked me to come to Khao Lak with them . I ummed and ahhed. I was so stubborn. I had just prayed that God would get me out of there. Here comes Mary appearing out of nowhere when she's meant to be in Bangkok and still i'm resisting God's provision.

Vicky looked at me and just said that she felt that my heart was torn. She continued to remind me, knowing nothing about me, that when we are faced with temptation the bible tells us to flee from it, because we are rarely able to keep from it the closer we get to it and the more we contemplate it.

My mouth dropped open and I began to wonder whether I had a big sign attached to my head telling everyone that i was struggling with temptation. Mary just smiled and said, "pack your things."

I felt so terrible to the people in the tent. But I felt so broken I just knew I needed to go for a few days. So I packed some things and I went to Khao Lak.

God had got me there...

Fond memories

One of my best memories in the camp was the Songkran festival mid-April 2005. It's a 3 day water festival marking the start of the rainy season. There are huge waterfights. On this occasion in the camp they lasted for the full 3 days. People covered each other in water and talc and red dye. We went out in pick ups with huge tubs of ice-cold water chucking it over people. Others would line the streets and stop every bike or pick up that went past - soaking all the drivers and pasengers. It's supposed to be a blessing to be soaked. But the water is often ice cold !

The army were doing a lot of construction work in the area at that time so they were also out on their huge trucks with great big hose pipes dreanching everything in sight. It was such a laugh and it was the first time there seemed to be a real lift in people's mood. In some ways it seems like a healthy thing to be playing with water. It seemed like somehow it was healing a lot of people from the fear of water they had since the Tsunami. The community really bonded in the camp at this time.

On the last day we had a sports day and I ended up on the Morgan women's football team... and scored a goal that Michael Owen himself would have been envious of ! Though besides that our opponents were good and we lost! We had proper football shirts though and I had a pair of rather baggy football shorts to wear cos my little running shorts really weren't suitable for the occasion.

The other events were the tug of war and the sack race. I definitely felt it the next day.

God moments

There are some other God moments I feel compelled to mention...

In April 2005 I remember one day when I was feeling a bit overwhelmed and tired. I had met so many great people and the Thai people were so welcoming but cultural and language differences bring certain restrictions to relationship building. This wasn't a bad thing and I was learning a lot - but I just didn't feel at any moment like I could just really relax and chat away with someone like I would with my friends at home. And I guess I was prepared for that. On one particular day I just felt needed to pray that I would meet a friend - who I had something I common with and who I could just effortlessly get along with. That day I was lucky enough to be given use of a mo-ped, so I set of for a drive to try to get rid of the bad mood I was in and I took the opportunity to go for an explore. Unfortunately it was difficult to actually stop the bike because I couldn't ever seem to start it again. So oftentimes I was stranded by the bike waiting for someone to come and start it for me. Having been on the main road for about 15 minutes I took a random turning off to the right probably subconsciously attracted to the big sign on the road which said "BEACH" with an arrow pointing that way.

The road that I took opened my eyes once more to the devastation caused by the Tsunami. It was another village totally destroyed. There were heaps of rubble everywhere and people working hard to clear it.

Anyway coming out of the same road I looked and saw a couple of people standing at the side of the road and this girl was standing there smiling at me. I wouldn't usually be brave enough to stop and talk to people, but then I wouldn't normally be brave enough to walk 7 times around in circles past the same people, praying... so something was changing in me.

Anyway... I digress, I stopped and said hello. The girl, to my delight, was English and her name was Jo and we were both the same age... Now if that's not having something in common with someone I don't know what is. Just after 5 minutes of meeting we exchanged numbers and we kept in touch from there on.

Somehow I kind've knew that it wasn't just a one off meeting but that this was the start of a friendship. And that somehow our paths would cross again. I found out that day that she was working on construction of a training centre called Step Ahead, and would later be teaching English there. Now, I had tried a bit of teaching in the camp... and I had already decided that despite my TESOL qualification from the UK, it wasn't for me afterall. I was far to scared and lacking confidence. I just couldn't handle it. So I nodded enthusiastically, mentally crossing that job possibility off my list.

Somehow it kept coming back on to my mental list.

I needed to get a better eraser !

When Step Ahead opened last May (2005) I remember meeting with Jo. It was a lovely centre. It looked really smart inside and the showers... well, what a treat they were! I wasn't going to work there but I was definitely happy to visit at weekends :o) ... I thought. I was happy to pass on some TESOL teaching tips - but when I saw the number of people signed up for classes I remember thinking... "wow I'm glad it's not going to be me teaching those classes" ...'Though she was looking for extra staff.

I kept striking that thought off my list.

Teach English there?... No way.

(Meeting Jo was such an answer to prayer though and we really clicked straight away. It was a real breath of fresh air to meet up and just chill out. I have to say that I hold her totally responsible for the fact that I'm sitting here, in Step Ahead, a year later, blogging when I should be planning my lesson for teaching English tomorrow!)

Anyway... my visits at that time were brief. I was tired, bitten badly and grubby a lot of the time but I like being at the camp. Often I would be prayer walking knowing that we were totally out of babycare stuff and slowly tourists were becoming fewer. But every time things got desperate I would be praying and I'd get an urgent feeling I needed to return to the tent, or I'd just go back for a drink or a rest just in time for someone to turn up with a great big donation of baby care goods or someone looking to give money to help babies. It was always just the right time to explain the work and ministry of Phantasanja to the people. God always provided.

Another time I remember getting a bit fed up walking on my own and I prayed one day for some walking companions. On the day I prayed I remember a stray dog with no fur walking 5 laps of the camp with me. No matter where I went he followed me... it wasn't quite what I had in mind. The next day huge trenches were being dug to catch the rain because huge puddles in the camp were getting bigger. The rainy season was well underway and showers were turning to downpours for longer and heavier intervals. One one particular day I couldn't get round the back of the camp because a huge trench had been built and there was no way to get across. So I took a detour. There was another smaller camp area across the road so I decided to walk and pray round there for a day. I bumped into some of the mothers from the centre. Then suddenly I saw a man I knew - Missionary from Ban Nam Khem village called David. He had just been talking about me to a team of volunteers. He had heard from someone else that I had been praying. I had met him and his family just once but he had been so touched by it that he had told others. That da it was a total God send. I had been praying for people to walk with. He had been talking to the team, and they wanted to join me. So I met the team, talked to them and took them with me to spend a day visiting homes, praying for the sick and prayer walking the camp.

Everyday when I walked I felt really self-conscious each time I walked past the tent where the Buddhist monks lived. They had set up a bit of a temporary Wat there. I really didn't want them to think I was arrogantly parading my religion past their patch everyday in order to try to insult pass any form or judgment on them. I just prayed that I would somehow have an opportunity to share my faith with them and that they would see the heart of God and Christ's humility in my heart. On one day it was particularly on my mind. That morning as I was walking I saw a friend and stopped to talk to him just near to the monks tent. It was about 11:30. As I was talking to my friend the head monk called over and invited us in to eat lunch with them. They eat twice a day in the morning and 11:30. After 12 mid-day they fast until the following morning. My friend declined the offer as he was busy, so I just began to shuffle on the spot and prepare to carry on walking. But as I went to go he called me over and asked me to join them anyway. He invited me to sit with some of the ladies and to eat with them.

Most of the loal people give their best food to the monks each day to earn a blessing or credit so it was a tasty lunch. As I sat I listened to the monk talking and politely answered his questions. After we ate he told me he thinks I must have been a Thai in my last life because I was so polite. And then he went on to say that he thought I had a good and gentle heart and asked me why I was here. I felt so astonished. I was walking past them everyday reading my bible yet he had perceived me to be polite when I was so concerned that I was being rude.

I listened to him talk a bit about his beliefs and he asked me if I believed the same. I replied that I was a Christian and that my beliefs were different from his. So he asked me to return the next day. As I had listened to Him, he wanted to listen to what I believed. It was amazing how the opportunity arised and that I was able to share with them. I ended up giving him a bible and I'd copied out a lot of verses into Thai which I felt backed up the explanation of my faith that I had given him. I even heard that they had a DVD of the Passion of the Christ!

Anyway - those were some interesting times. God was amazing me everyday.

This passage in Isaiah was in my thoughts a lot as I was praying in the camp and I often read it outloud as I prayed for the people in the community. It is still very much on my heart for the people one year on.

Isaiah 55
Invitation to the Thirsty

"Come, all you who are thirsty,

come to the waters;

and you who have no money,

come, buy and eat!

Come, buy wine and milk

without money and without cost.
Why spend money on what is not bread,

and your labor on what does not satisfy?

Listen, listen to me, and eat what is good,

and your soul will delight in the richest of fare.
Give ear and come to me;

hear me, that your soul may live.

I will make an everlasting covenant with you,

my faithful love promised to David.
See, I have made him a witness to the peoples,

a leader and commander of the peoples.
Surely you will summon nations you know not,

and nations that do not know you will hasten to you,

because of the LORD your God,

the Holy One of Israel,

for he has endowed you with splendor."
Seek the LORD while he may be found;

call on him while he is near.
Let the wicked forsake his way

and the evil man his thoughts.

Let him turn to the LORD, and he will have mercy on him,

and to our God, for he will freely pardon.
"For my thoughts are not your thoughts,

neither are your ways my ways,"

declares the LORD.
"As the heavens are higher than the earth,

so are my ways higher than your ways

and my thoughts than your thoughts.
As the rain and the snow

come down from heaven,

and do not return to it

without watering the earth

and making it bud and flourish,

so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater,
so is my word that goes out from my mouth:

It will not return to me empty,

but will accomplish what I desire

and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.
You will go out in joy

and be led forth in peace;

the mountains and hills

will burst into song before you,

and all the trees of the field

will clap their hands.
Instead of the thornbush will grow the pine tree,

and instead of briers the myrtle will grow.

This will be for the LORD's renown,

for an everlasting sign,

which will not be destroyed."

God Moments

As well as the challenging moments in the camp there were also times that really really opened my eyes to God's power and faithfulness. I wasn't really aiming to find God when I came here because as far as I was aware - I already had received Jesus into my life. But my prayer was that God would work in my heart and change me so that there was less of ME in me and more of Jesus. but since I've been in Thailand I've experienced and learnt things about God on a much deeper, more intimate, honest and much more REAL level. And learning these things have also lead to to learning so much about myself and the kind of person I've chosen to be. This hasn't been as romantic as it sounds. It's been a year of facing some harsh realities, humbling situations and huge battles. It's been a time of refinement and looking at the state of my heart, which has been a bit of a mess. Other times have just been times of revelation and bowing in worship to a sovereign and faithful Father God.

There's been so many moments which to some are either going to sound mushy, weird, nice... Seeing as I'm reflecting at the moment on my time in the camp I'm just going to mention a couple of the things from being in the camp that really opened my eyes to God's presence in my life and his faithfulness. Some of them may be those "you had to be there moments" and I guess only the Holy Spirit can bridge the gap between the things that are lost in translation from my writing, to your reading of my testimony.

I was really blessed by God's provision of friends when I was living in Bang Muang. There was a YWAM team in who I clicked with in particular and I was able to meet with the team in the mornings for prayer and some bible study and worship in the morning which was really refreshing to me - since the Thai ones at the Phantasanja tent in the evening were, well... in Thai for a start. The team were a huge support I prayer, friendship and even guidance with a few cultural differences I was fast becoming aware of.

Other teams came in and out of the camp regularly and it was just amazing how well it was often timed. One team from Calvary chapel in the states were a huge blessing. There was a group of girls who would come to the tent and just give me the boost I needed to get through the day when things were getting hard or tiring. At one point I had been really praying about having a way to get out of the camp when I needed some time out. With the amount of rice I was eating I was quite keen to exercise. I was thinking for a while about getting a bicycle, but not knowing how long I would be in the area. Anyway I wasn't really sure if this was a good think to invest in, or whether it was just a passing fad. So for a while I just prayed about it. I saw the girls from the Calvary chapel team a few times and I can remember them advising me to make sure I took some time out for myself, and they must have picked up on my keenness for exercise as I had started jogging every morning. On their last day their whole team turned up to say goodbye and presented me with a bike. I was totally speechless. I just felt so blessed by God that he knew me so well.

During that time I was so keen to help and give to others but it seemed that God was also teaching me to receive from others.

The teams were often busy with various projects during the day so I did the prayer walking on my own. There were times when I would walk and read my bible (often stubbing my toe for not looking where I was going) and I was just filled with such an overwhelming feeling over love and compassion like I'd never felt before. I can remember one particular time that I was so overwhelmed with this feeling that I just didn't know what to do or where to channel it. I felt like my heart was too small to contain it and I just wanted to be able to communicate God's love to the people I was praying for. But all I could do was pray that God would grow my heart and continue to fill it so that my attitude and actions towards these people would always be an attitude of love from the overflow of the love god had put in me. By myself I was able to do nothing but the compassion that God was putting in me was enabling me to intercede and fall in love with these people. I prayed that God would give me His heart and His eyes to see these people as he sees them. And I believe that's one of the miracles that was beginning to happen in my heart.

Sometimes when I would walk and pray I would pray songs on behalf of the people. Other times I would read scriptures on their behalf. But I really wanted to be able to tell people that I was praying for them and why. One day I was thinking about this and just asking God how I could tell people. One of the leaders of the Thai YWAM office had a slot on the radio station for a few hours each day which actually ran from one of the little wooden shacks in the camp. On this particular day I was walking across the camp and saw one of the team and they just casually dropped into the sentence "oh by the way, you're on the radio tomorrow to talk about your prayer walking." So the next day I spent an hour being interviewed with Ghan who also interpreted for me. I shared a bit about the power of prayer but also from the spiritual perspective that Jesus's disciples went out praying and teaching people from village to village. I believed that even though I couldn't speak their language, that I would still be able to build a relationship with the people and share God's love with them I was also proclaiming God's victory and healing for the land and the people I believe he wanted... and still wants to bless and heal and save.

I shared with them Ephesians 6: 10 -12

Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.

I just felt that spiritually this was a battle ground and I wanted to pray for God's peace, protection and restoration over these shattered lives. Following that day - my walk around the camp would be broken by invitations in to houses, gifts (mainly vegetables) and people approaching me to ask me to pray for them. I suddenly realised that God had answered another prayer... suddenly I found I was able to communicate with people... with a lot of sign language. But my Thai was improving.

It was a real privilege to live in the Mother and Child centre. I would sleep on the floor under a mosquito net - but I honestly can't remember sleeping so well... that is, until the rainy season started. I felt so blessed to have the opportunity to be so immersed in a Thai community and to be involved in such a special way. A lot of the people who were coming to the tent in the evenings for bible study were people who I'd seen be baptised by Anurak in Pattalung. I just wished I could understand what they were saying. But most nights I would just sit and listen.

I talked on an earlier blog about the old lady I unknowingly agreed to live with. She came to the centre for quite a while. She had such sad eyes. She would just talk and talk. So many times I would try to tell her I didn't understand. But I would just pray for her. The main thing that I prayed for her was that she would know God's joy and that she would feel joy in her heart. One day, soon after that, I had a translator with me and she had a really sad story. I felt even more fuelled to pray for her to have an injection of joy. On a particular night she came and I sat there praying over and over again that she would know the joy of the Lord. Everyone was sitting and chatting. I have no idea what they were talking about. But this lady (her name was Lek) was talking a fair bit and suddenly her face just lit up and she just collapsed into a fit of giggles. Then for the next 2 hours everyone was just in fits of laughter. And Lek more than anyone was laughing so much she gave herself a stomach ache.

She gave me vegetables and sweet potatoes from her little vegetable stall everyday. I loved her so much !